It's been over a week since we arrived to Denver, and already I have been hard at work hanging, unloading, and making sure the apt looks like our home.
We've had a lot of fun since the moment we got here. We have enjoyed great weather, and today we got to hang out with my sister in law & kiddos as they came from Dallas to play in a soccer tournament here.
Good times all around. After the tournament, Steve, the kids and I went to see all these model homes in our area! <-----that is literally the most fun for me. I just love to get ideas from model homes, and imagine myself living in them. Also, decorating model homes is the ultimate dream job for me!
Anyway, all was well and then...I got really down.
Like, I want to just break down and sob, type of down. WHY?! I couldn't understand!
And then, it hit me. I want to be settled in a home so bad, and I just have never had that in my life.
The most settled I have ever been was in our little home in Dallas. I know this all sounds very #firstworldproblems but the reality is, that my childhood was anything but stable, and all I ever dreamed of was having my own room, which happened for a very short period, before my mother and I had to move again. I also wanted a family so bad. My mother & dad had a complicated relationship to say the least, so the happy family home never happened.
Interior Design is absolutely my passion. As soon as Steve is done with fellowship, I will pursue that as my career. I think I have an eye for it, but I realized today, that it's more than just designing and making things look "pretty". I truly long for a permanent house that I can make a home. A home where I can just settle down, and know that this is where I will be for many years. I want that for the kids too! I want a home where the kids have memories of growing up! We have moved for med school, residency, and now fellowship, and while the kids are seriously loving Denver (so much, that it's impressing me) I just can't help but to feel like I owe them some stability. Decorating a home is just part of that equation.
I knew the moment we arrived to this apt, that I was going to break out the boxes and hang stuff. I feel that our summer has been consumed by selling the house, prepping for the move, and finally moving that the kids haven't really been enjoying their time off. I want to be settled asap, so that they get to enjoy some part of it.
So, I gave myself 2 days to hang pictures, mirrors, and unpack.
I slaved for 2 nights making sure all was unpacked and hung in the right places. I even convinced Steve to make an Ikea trip with me on the 4th of July, because I had a list of very specific things we needed, and I needed his help to get said stuff in the car.
I knew I wanted lamps, we needed a small tv stand, and rolling carts for my craft stuff. He looked at me like I was on crack, but the apt looks pretty much done. Just have to tweak some stuff.
I recreated our little gallery wall that I had back at home, here. It reminds me of Dallas.
Anyway, I think I have to accept the fact that we still have one or two more moves after this fellowship, and I think I will have to settle for decorating other peoples houses instead of mine. Will I ever get my forever home? By the time we can or will, I think the kids will be too old to enjoy it, so no memories there! <---- I realize that there are many people in the world that don't have a roof over their heads, and that this attitude is very childish, but I just can't help but to feel like I have a hole that needs to be filled, and perhaps it never will be filled. Perhaps, I need to get over that dream? Maybe, I should let God re-direct those thoughts to something constructive... Anyway, I guess, I was just feeling so down today, that I just needed to vent. Maybe it has to do with my unstable childhood that I now feel like I have to make up for it?! Ugh! I need a shrink... or a different dream.
Jazmin
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