'Blues Clues'

Based on this post title, I wish I was referring to the kids show with the blue dog, but sadly I'm referring to my current emotional state. This pregnancy has been really tough. Tonight I spoke to a friend about third trimester depression and she totally understood what I was going through. Being pregnant is a blessing, and one that I didn't think I would get to experience again. I know that if you know me in person you know, I tend to be happy, and bit sarcastic on the regular, but lately I keep seeing shades of blue in my daily life and it's not because I have a baby boy on the brain. Some of you know that this pregnancy wasn't necessarily planned. Truth be told, I had been thinking of a having one more baby for awhile,  since the only reason we stopped having babies was because of circumstance not desire.  Being on a resident salary, and our kids growing, we just could not afford having another kid, it would have been super irresponsible of us to have added another kid when we started residency because we BARELY scrapped by with a new house, and kids activities and school costs that kept going up as the kids got older. So, for 5 years we put it on the back burner, and then we just felt like it would never happen again. Then, we finished residency and thought it would be a good idea to maybe add one more baby. But then we moved to Colorado, we started to do hikes, and go on adventures with the kids, and we decided that we didn't want to add a baby. Of course, four weeks after moving here, I find out we got pregnant. I should have been super happy, except I wasn't. I felt like we were in a groove with the kids, and this was going to be hard. I knew I was going to get morning sickness that lasts for awhile. And six weeks into it, it happened. Morning sickness hit me like a ton of bricks and it lated until 25 weeks. I was miserable, and was trying REALLY hard to just go with it, which went well for a bit, but now, as I count down to my due date, the fog has come back to haunt me. I'm depressed and anxious. So many things are contributing to this. For one, we are getting close to finishing fellowship, which has been hard for me, as things have not gone as expected. I have anemia, and I'm exhausted 24/7. To top it all off, this pregnancy has given me pains and aches that I didn't even know were possible while being pregnant. At least I didn't experience these types of pains with the other kids. Throw a good dose of anxiety to the mix, and I can totally be  the poster girl in a depression meds commercial.

Depression ruins things for you. It really does. I mean, I have great friends here! Seriously, I got SO LUCKY with finding friends the first Sunday we attended church here! Not to mention, we already had some friends that lived here, and were super welcoming and helpful with our transition. And yet, I have days where I look out the window, and feel so alone. That's how I know its baby blues. When you look around and instead of seeing your blessings you can't help but to look at the world with warped lenses. 

I know this is something that is hard for me. I was wired with some sort of brain chemistry that is prone to anxiety, so when you add hormones, and life circumstances that have a hefty dose of stress, this is bound to happen. It's a trial for me. I don't know why, but I know that I was meant to go through this. Perhaps is to help me appreciate the happy that is to come once the baby gets here? or appreciate my blessings even more? I just hope by the grace of God to be able to give my kids the mom they deserve, because currently, I'm just trying to survive the day. And I guess I'm writing this because I have friends back at home texting me, or calling me asking me how I'm doing, and I realize it's because I have been putting up this front like things are OK, but maybe they sense it's not? And the one thing that I don't like, is to be is fake or pretend like my life is all rosy, because I just don't roll like that. I rather put some of my things out there, even if I get judged, than to act like life is perfect. Currently, it's not, but I guess that's OK, and part of life. And It's nice to write down your trials, and not just when things are good, right? I mean part of our human experience is to go through trials, so that you can grow from them, and maybe even look back and see how far you've come. So here is mine. I have antenatal depression and anxiety. 

 I hope that I can look at this post with fresh eyes at another time, but for now, this is me. Blue, and waiting for things to pass. All I can do is wait, pray, and hope for the rain to cease. I hope to feel uplifted this Easter Sunday. I know Jesus knows how I feel, and is lifting me up, even when it feels like I walk alone, I know he's there. 

“If winter comes, can spring be far behind?” ― Percy Bysshe Shelley

Jazmin