'Blues Clues'

Based on this post title, I wish I was referring to the kids show with the blue dog, but sadly I'm referring to my current emotional state. This pregnancy has been really tough. Tonight I spoke to a friend about third trimester depression and she totally understood what I was going through. Being pregnant is a blessing, and one that I didn't think I would get to experience again. I know that if you know me in person you know, I tend to be happy, and bit sarcastic on the regular, but lately I keep seeing shades of blue in my daily life and it's not because I have a baby boy on the brain. Some of you know that this pregnancy wasn't necessarily planned. Truth be told, I had been thinking of a having one more baby for awhile,  since the only reason we stopped having babies was because of circumstance not desire.  Being on a resident salary, and our kids growing, we just could not afford having another kid, it would have been super irresponsible of us to have added another kid when we started residency because we BARELY scrapped by with a new house, and kids activities and school costs that kept going up as the kids got older. So, for 5 years we put it on the back burner, and then we just felt like it would never happen again. Then, we finished residency and thought it would be a good idea to maybe add one more baby. But then we moved to Colorado, we started to do hikes, and go on adventures with the kids, and we decided that we didn't want to add a baby. Of course, four weeks after moving here, I find out we got pregnant. I should have been super happy, except I wasn't. I felt like we were in a groove with the kids, and this was going to be hard. I knew I was going to get morning sickness that lasts for awhile. And six weeks into it, it happened. Morning sickness hit me like a ton of bricks and it lated until 25 weeks. I was miserable, and was trying REALLY hard to just go with it, which went well for a bit, but now, as I count down to my due date, the fog has come back to haunt me. I'm depressed and anxious. So many things are contributing to this. For one, we are getting close to finishing fellowship, which has been hard for me, as things have not gone as expected. I have anemia, and I'm exhausted 24/7. To top it all off, this pregnancy has given me pains and aches that I didn't even know were possible while being pregnant. At least I didn't experience these types of pains with the other kids. Throw a good dose of anxiety to the mix, and I can totally be  the poster girl in a depression meds commercial.

Depression ruins things for you. It really does. I mean, I have great friends here! Seriously, I got SO LUCKY with finding friends the first Sunday we attended church here! Not to mention, we already had some friends that lived here, and were super welcoming and helpful with our transition. And yet, I have days where I look out the window, and feel so alone. That's how I know its baby blues. When you look around and instead of seeing your blessings you can't help but to look at the world with warped lenses. 

I know this is something that is hard for me. I was wired with some sort of brain chemistry that is prone to anxiety, so when you add hormones, and life circumstances that have a hefty dose of stress, this is bound to happen. It's a trial for me. I don't know why, but I know that I was meant to go through this. Perhaps is to help me appreciate the happy that is to come once the baby gets here? or appreciate my blessings even more? I just hope by the grace of God to be able to give my kids the mom they deserve, because currently, I'm just trying to survive the day. And I guess I'm writing this because I have friends back at home texting me, or calling me asking me how I'm doing, and I realize it's because I have been putting up this front like things are OK, but maybe they sense it's not? And the one thing that I don't like, is to be is fake or pretend like my life is all rosy, because I just don't roll like that. I rather put some of my things out there, even if I get judged, than to act like life is perfect. Currently, it's not, but I guess that's OK, and part of life. And It's nice to write down your trials, and not just when things are good, right? I mean part of our human experience is to go through trials, so that you can grow from them, and maybe even look back and see how far you've come. So here is mine. I have antenatal depression and anxiety. 

 I hope that I can look at this post with fresh eyes at another time, but for now, this is me. Blue, and waiting for things to pass. All I can do is wait, pray, and hope for the rain to cease. I hope to feel uplifted this Easter Sunday. I know Jesus knows how I feel, and is lifting me up, even when it feels like I walk alone, I know he's there. 

“If winter comes, can spring be far behind?” ― Percy Bysshe Shelley

Jazmin

It's the Most Wonderful time of the Year!

Christmas Time at the Gibbons House

It's that time again, where I just crave a little colder weather, and some Starbucks hot chocolate at noon. The time where staying in with the kids and watching ELF sounds like the most amazing plan ever! This year has been full of blessings, and I cannot tell you how thankful  I am! This year is also bittersweet, as we only have about 6 months left before we pack our little house and move to Denver. I love this house. I really do. It will be super hard to sell it, but I know that it will make a great home for another little family. 

This house is full of warmth, and really makes you feel loved. It's not too big, or small, it's got a great little yard, awesome schools, and the best fireplace ever. I will miss this home, our first home. 

From the moment we moved in, I made it my mission to create a magical place for the Holidays. We bought this tree 4 years ago, and I went and got it on Black Friday, as my Birthday/Christmas gift, because I wanted a big tree for first little house. I loved the tree! I wanted a Narnia tree so bad! With fake snow, and twinkling lights. 

This is the last year for this tree. We may have to give it to someone else, as we are going to travel light to Denver, but before we gave him up, I decorated it with love, and nicer ornaments. You see, we where strapped for cash a few years back, so all the ornaments where handmade or from the dollar store, but I know this tree, needed some nicer things, so this year, I upgraded a few pieces to hang.

I got this cute camping ornament with the little tree on top. I got it, because I really want a vintage camper one day, and because we love camping! And by WE, I mean Steve and the kids.

I also got these little dogs. Because, I wanted some ornaments to represent our fur baby Riley.

A snowman in a mason jar, was cute, and Texan to me.

This year, I also got to display my dog nativity! My cousin Dulce gave it tome after finding in a catalog, and since I have a slight attachment to all things dogs, she thought it would be a good gift. It is, and I love it! 

This is Riley looking at me, change the ornaments on the tree. This Dog is tired of me decking the halls! 

We also have a Charlie Brown tree. This may be our Christmas tree in Denver!

The kids love their new Reindeer Jingle! They have really taken him in, and loved on him. Our Elf Buddy is still one of our favorite Christmas traditions. 

I made the kids pose with their stockings the other day, while they were caught shaking their Christmas gifts! They were guessing what we bought them! Naughty!

Did I mention this house has the best mantle?! It does! I love to decorate it for every season!

This year has shown big changes in Riley! He has really matured! He has not messed with the tree or the gifts! He's been really NICE this year!

I hope your Holiday Season is going well for you! I started so early this year, because I knew that I wanted to really enjoy the season. I always feel like I'm rushing, so this year, I wrapped, bought, and sent our Christmas cards on time. I hope to make cookies, play, and spend time with my family. 

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!

Jazmin

Spiritual Journey: Dusting Off my Testimony

{Long Post Warning!} 

***This is a very personal, spiritual post. I will talk about my beliefs and bare testimony of Christ.  I want to share it, as I feel prompted to, and feel strongly about. This is not for everyone, and I get that. But if you feel moved by the Spirit you should follow it's instruction.*** 

Today has been a cool day. I did my visiting teaching in the morning, I worked out, I worked. I went to Target to get some stuff for the house, and decided that I was making pizza for dinner since Steve is going to be home late as he would be operating a ton. When I say, I'm making pizza, I actually just mean, 'popped' it in the oven ;)

Moving on.

I feel like my house needs A LOT of cleaning, but the kids wanted to chill. Matthew had the STARR Test today, and that has given him a lot of stress, and Olivia pretty much got her homework done early, so while looking for something to do, we went to Netflix to find a movie we would like to watch. I settled on 'The Prince of Egypt' Olivia had seen it before, but she was little, so she never finished it. Matthew was busy playing Roblox, so we went for it. 

First of all, this movie is AMAZING! The music is perfection. I had forgotten that Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey sing in the closing credits and it's beautiful. It made me think of Whitney Houston passing. I wonder if she ever repented? I wonder if she had a testimony? Those are weird thoughts after a spiritual movie and feeling. But I wondered. 

While the oven beeped, I kept thinking. What about MY testimony? What if I was a Hebrew in the times of Moses? Would I be angry at God? Would I believe? 

Then I stopped myself. 

What about the end of times?! WHAT ABOUT NOW?!

 Do I believe? and the reality is, that while we don't know the time or the day, all indications point that we are in the last of days. 

What about MY repentance? What about MY salvation? 

I have been working out to lose weight. A good thing, but not the most important. The question raised today is: How hard am I working towards my salvation?

How much service am I doing?

How many commandments have I broken?

How can I start now, to clean myself up?!

It is true that if you confess that Jesus is the Christ you will be saved. But God sent his only Begotten Son to show us the example of how we should live.I must be worthy of his presence. 

Jesus worked hard. 

He was humble. 

He did service. 

He studied the scriptures. 

He was a missionary. 

He prayed. 

HE DIED FOR ME. 

Is confessing and acknowledging that he is the Christ enough? No. God knew this, and Jesus paid MY debt. 

But, I still have my body. I have good hands, and  in the words of Lady Grantham: "I'm a woman with a brain and reasonable ability" so I should know what to do.

I should do more. 

I should pray more. 

I should testify of Christ.

 In these last days, we are all to be missionaries. We are to become 'fisherman of men' We must depend on Christ and our own abilities to bring people into the gospel. To teach them about Jesus. 

People are lost. I am lost. I have been found, and somehow manage to get lost again. 

I don't live the way I should. I'm a sinner. BUT I WILL TRY, and truly repent of my sins. 

I must walk away from the things that make me rationalize my wrong doings. 

I should walk away & not be ashamed to walk out on something that I know to be wrong. 

But I must have LOVE in my heart also. 

Jesus didn't hate. He didn't judge. 

I must pray for understanding in the things that I simply cannot understand. 

I believe in Christ. And he believes in me. 

I know I can be more like him. 

I know I can trust in him.

I want to share that with others. 

I truly know that my Redeemer lives. I feel it, and know it to be true. I know that he has re-established his church on earth. The church of Jesus Christ IS the literal church of Christ. 

I know that he speaks to his prophets like in the time of old. He has been the same then, now and will forever. 

I believe in Christ. 

Share the gospel. Testify of Jesus. Fill your home with his spirit.

The time is NOW. 

Jazmin